In my next life, I will be a snowboarder.
I will hurl myself down icy chutes, launching toward the heavens while doing a halfMcTwistlattecorkscrew900halfpipe. Or something like that. I will wear baggy clothes and a cool helmet and throw caution to the winds. Shaun White will fear me.
I will have good knees.
Or, perhaps I will learn mogul skiing.
Sliding down the mountain on two well-waxed and very thin slats, up and down up and down up and down go my knees over the little bumps that look easy but are devilishly hard. I will be fast.
I will invest in thermawraps.
Giant Slalom calls out to me.
Such cool outfits, such spandex-ready bods. How hard can that be, just skiing around the gates going, oh, maybe 150 mph vertically. Lindsay Vonn will ask me for training tips. Bode Miller will ask my advice on the best way to display his gold medal.
I will stick to my diet this time.
(Above: AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)
Apolo Anton Ohno will invite me to join the short-track speed skating team.
I will lean so far over that I am skating horizontally to the ice, the sharpest blades ever made rocketing me to victory.
Plushenko will ask me to be his partner when he switches to ice dancing. I could teach him about graciousness in defeat, but will decline because the bobsledders have begged me to steer their sled. I will take my chances with skeleton, hurtling headfirst down that scary tube. I will not be tempted by curling, I am incapable of using a broom.
Olympic dreams. Every four years, the winter Olympics reminds us that some human beings spend their entire (young) lives devoted to mastering sports at speeds and levels of danger that seem impossible to most mortals. While the summer games have sports familiar to many — we may never launch into a pole vault, but we know something of swimming or running or basketball — the winter games are a fantasy world, conducted in remote cold places (well, at least before global warming hit Vancouver) and featuring athletes whose super-normal abilities seem greatly enhanced by all that fabulous gear.
The greatest contribution the Olympics make to our civilization is the rekindling of our imaginations ever so often in ways that are completely healthy. We may not do more than vow to re-start our exercise routines once more, but even making us think about getting off the couch is a step forward!
In my next life, I will eat Wheaties every day. I will take care of my knees from Day One. I will stop being afraid of small patches of ice. I will learn to slide and skate with my knees bent. I look great in full length spandex.
I will get a gold medal for championship dreaming.
See Vancouver 2010
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