In what has become an important holiday tradition for readers of this blog — no, not quite like going to see the Rockettes or the tree at the Rockefeller Center, but more fun than watching the Redskins — I am re-issuing the all-important “holiday rules” to get us all through the season with no guns drawn or dates at court. Just follow these simple rules when you are anywhere near other people in the next few days:
1. Do not throw snowballs at anyone in a Hummer. The machine speaks for itself… and its driver!
2. Don’t let the eggnog lead you to think that you, too, can crash a White House party. It’s been done. Recently. They’re on top of it now! Plus, they probably got some guys in Hummers to beef up security.
3. Reconsider giving your Dad that complete set of Tiger Woods videos (the golf ones).
5. At holiday parties, avoid all talk of the Redskins. Focus on the upcoming Winter Olympics. But don’t mention that it’s in Canada, we’re touchy about the International Olympic Committee’s smackdown of Chicago’s Olympic bid as possible evidence of a new anti-American trend at the IOC. Canada, indeed, we have mountains right here in the good old U.S. of A.!!
6. Parents, listen up: keep your kids away from the “self-service” scanner at the Giant/Home Depot/Ikea/etc. Christmas week is no time to teach those darlings how to participate in the American Economy!! Those cute tykes should all be in their rooms waiting for Santa… like, starting right now!!
7. No Blackberries or iPods at Christmas dinner. None. Not one.
8. Stressing out about losing shopping days to the snow? Relax! Write a check to charity in the amount you were going to spend on those gifts — nobody needs one more thing anyway, but the charities really need your support.
9. Leave your Christmas lights on til the end of winter — we need the light and good cheer for many months to come.
10. Driving to grandma’s? Crank the radio up real loud and belt out those Christmas caroles! You’ll be hoarse by the time you get there so you won’t have enough voice to get into arguments.
Enjoy these few days of merriment, family and friends, even those who are somewhat weird or who bring their weirder in-laws. The holiday season is civilization’s best defense against the darkness just beyond the twinkling lights.
Merry Christmas to all!